Upset

As all y'all know my dog Leo died in a car accident on July 14th, 2008 at 9pm. And I thought I survived from his death.

Hear my story, I met this homeless cat 2 weeks ago. I started to feed him a little by a little from some of my bread to a can of cat food everyday because she's always there in front of my yard. And 2 days ago I brought her in to the house during late night, I kept an eye on her (in case she doesn't pee or poo in the house) while I studied. She lied beside me the whole night on the sofa. I briefly checked her skin and body, I figured she was probably pregnant before. The statistic of homeless female cat can have average of 3 litters per year, and with average of 4 kittens per litter. So it makes sense if the cat was pregnant before, but where did her kittens go? And at day time I gotta let her go because my house-mate is extremely allergy to cats. So I picked her up at kick her out, and obviously she got mad at me. Fast forward a little to the next day, I came back home at 8pm after work. She was meow meow and waiting outside of the door. She really really wanted to go in. So due to my shit load of stress and lack of sleep, I made a wrong decision. I picked her up and meant to bring her into my small room. She wouldn't go up to the stairs she was scared, then immediately went to the coach that she lied on the night before. Suddenly, I figured that I can't have her in my room even if I am a huge animal lover and all kind of sympathy for her, so I got her outside of the house again, then I went to sleep. Later I woke up at 2am getting ready to go to the library to study, I hear her meow meow voice outside of my window.

The point of my story is that, it's getting freezing cold outside (something like -7 to -30 during winter in Toronto) and I want to adopt the cat.

However, I can't because I would have to take her to a vet and god knows how much it is going to cost me to get all the tests and shots for the cat. I invested all my saving into my turntables 2 months ago. I don't have that income to have her. And that's one of the selfishness of a human being.

At the begining of this entry I mentioned that "I thought I survived from his death" because after his death I made myself think and think about why caused this to happen? how it happened? what caused this to happen? And my conclusions are all because I was being selfish for every aspects of raising this dog, and my mom was being selfish in part of his life (major selfish), and so was my brother. My whole god damn family is being selfish. The truck was being selfish. The health care is being selfish for animals. Human beings are being selfish the whole time, and it's because we are the smartest and most capable animals on this planet. So I've concluded a goal for my life, I found myself from his death, and that's why I'm in school to get the education that is needed for me to be able to earn a lot of money so I can, one day, use all those money to help other animals around the world. This is the purpose of my life: Use me to help this earth be a better place

But this cat, I can't even help this cat. I don't even have the ability to help a cat right now. It makes me so upset. I cry. It makes me feel like a failer. And I thought I survived from Leo's death, I thought that didn't kill me but it made me stronger. Apparently not, because I've been having dreams about leo for 1.5 years now, sometimes his image at the car accident still shows up. It doesn't make me stronger, it makes me weaker, because it kills me.

New Attitude

I CAN FUCKING DO THIS!!

yeah, that's right! I can DO THIS! I can learn 5 chapters about Linear Algebra in 2 days (or 1 day)! I won't be a pussy, hide myself under a desk and cry. I won't. I can fucking do this! Look at that positive attitude towards academic! That's only because I HAVE TO do this... I have no choice. =____='

This final exam worth 80% of my entire course.. due to missing the midterm. (Sign). I just finished learning 2 chapters in 3 hours. After thursday at 5pm, I'll be free, but dare I think about that. Can't think about that. It scares me. Thursday is so important and intense.

But now Mr. Sleepy is all over my eyes and body... fuck.

Dear Santa

I'm sure you've seen this woman. Don't you think she's just SO AWESOME? Can I have her new album? Actually, I'm a little greedy, I want ALL her albums. PLEASE!

or

him!

just put them, or either one, under my xmas tree in vancouver. Then I'll see them the next morning for sure.

Thanks a bunch,

xoxo

Emma

I think Alicia Keys Is Amazing.

Alicia Keys is amazing. Her collaboration with Hova on Empire States of Mind is simply the best song of the year, voted by me. Alicia Keys is amazingly beautiful and talented, but she keeps making crappy music videos.... why! Her new song Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart says everything I felt last year. I would love this song to death if this song came out last year around this time. Here I post up the song and the lyrics, take a listen, it's beautiful. Enjoy!

-e.

[verse 1]

Even if you are a million miles away

I could still feel you in my bed

Near me, touch me, feel me.

And even at the bottom of the sea

I could still hear it inside my head

Telling me, touch me, feel me

And all the time, you were telling me lies

[chores]

So tonight, i'm gonna find a way to make it without you

tonight, im gonna find a way to make it without you

im gonna hold on to the times that we had

tonight, im gonna find a way to make it without you

[verse 2]

have you ever try sleeping with a broken heart?

well you could try sleeping in my bed

lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you

you wore the crown, you made my body feel heaven bound

why don't you hold me, need me

i thought you told me, you'd never leave me

looking in the sky i could see your face

and i knew right where i fit it

take me, make me, you know that i'll always be in love with you

right till the end

[chores]

[bridge]

anybody could've told you right from the start it's about to fall apart

so rather than hold on to a broken dream or just hold on to love

and i could find a way to make it, dont hold on too tight

i'll make it without you tonight

[chores]

p.s. I miss leo so much, it's not even funny.

To Robert

Robert:

I despite you. You helped my family to get the things we wanted, coincidentally. But you also took away so much from me. You owe me so much. I'm not going to take anything from you. But I hope when you die you will die with guilt.

The day I turned 18, we had a talk. We had a talk about my dad. You told me that my own dad was using dad-and-daughter-relationship to get all our money and leave us nothing. My own dad who became successful, who brought my brother and I more than food to the table to this family, and who eventually failed in his marriage but still kept a sticky photo of my brother, me, and my mom in his wallet. You don't know him, how dare you said that to me. You successfully drove my dad away and made what is this family's to your family's. And you told you daughters that all the money my dad owns were stolen from other people, how dare you said that. HOW DARE YOU FUCKING SAY THAT.

You took almost everything that's most valuable to me from me. You are a thief. You talked into my mom to sell the house and bought a condo with your name on the paper legally. That things was left from my dad to my brother and me.

You talked into my mom to invest in a business that's never going to work. And the big failure of you left me living in a $510/mth place to live in Toronto. I suppose to be ahead from the starting point of my life from majority of the people my age, but you took that away from me too.

No disrespect, but I can't look at you and be all friendly to you anymore. That's why I'm not celebrating new years in vancouver, and I want to celebrate new year with my family so badly.

You make me so mad about my life. Inside of me, it's hatred towards you. When I can't sleep at night the thought of you keeps me up all night till the morning, and I image all the things I would say to you. So here it is. One day I am going to let you know all this, when I'm prepared. The day I become successful, the very first thing on my to-do list is to kick you out of my family's property and out of my life, and if my mom needs to go with you I'll kick her out too. For my brother's and my sake, I WILL KICK YOU OUT ONE DAY.

Emma.

The Playing Field

I've tried to find so many ways to keep my motivation for school, for anything. For a week, the song "So Ambitious" by Jay-Z ft. Pharrell works. And just not too long ago I changed my desktop wallpaper to one of David Beckham's Adidas commercial, which he was writing the phrase "Impossible is nothing" on a glass, with a sharpy. Now, I come up with a freestyle, or a poem, whatever, to keep my motivation (because I think I'm going to fail another quiz... math is hard).

I can't think of any good reason why I want to be,

But I can think of a milli reasons why I want to quit.

They make it hard on purpose,

It is our own lives in our hands.

There comes a moment when it's just more than a game,

And you either take that step forward,

or turn around and walk away.

I could quit,

But here's the thing....

I love the playing field.

p.s. I've decided to bye facebook till I finish on dec. 10th. I'm determined this time. 4 exams in a week follows by a final worth 70% of the grade the next week, yeah... I'm determined.

Good luck everyone,

e.

So I've decided...

Don't worry, I ain't shutting down my blog.

I've decided that as soon as the craziness of school is over (on december 10th), and as soon as I'm on schedule of my own dj plan, I'm going to make my blog mainly focused on dj things and music. That's going to be my "thing". I'll upload my own mixes and sets and demo on here regularly, or at least try to, to make this blogging thing more interesting.

So school, school, oh school. School is hard, I didn't pass 2 of my midterms.... and I've worked SO HARD. And I really shouldn't be on internet and doing all those things that is not anything related to my school work right now, but there is no motivation! Yes, the motivation, it's all about the motivation. Where do I find my own motivation? How do I keep that motivation?

Despite the fact that I don't have a lot of lecture hours this year, the school workload is amazingly overloaded. MAT157 is killing me, SPA320 and 321 are 300-level courses and they are hard as well, ECO100 I'm doing okay right now, and MAT223 is okay too. But I'm really working to get okay marks but I don't know how. I failed SPA320 1st compostion... I failed the quiz and the midterm on SPA321.... I only scored 65% on MAT223 quiz.... and I failed MAT157 midterm........ I'm really trying. Now I'm just getting myself upset. I think I sorta know what to do to improve, but just a tiny little bit of work to get the improvement takes a lot of time in a day. I was a quitter, yeah, I was a quitter. But I don't want to be a quitter anymore. But I'm scared as fuck.

I'm gonna stop talking about school.

By the way, I'm officially employed! Woowhoo!

and I got twitter, follow me?

twitter.com/DJemster