Hear my story, I met this homeless cat 2 weeks ago. I started to feed him a little by a little from some of my bread to a can of cat food everyday because she's always there in front of my yard. And 2 days ago I brought her in to the house during late night, I kept an eye on her (in case she doesn't pee or poo in the house) while I studied. She lied beside me the whole night on the sofa. I briefly checked her skin and body, I figured she was probably pregnant before. The statistic of homeless female cat can have average of 3 litters per year, and with average of 4 kittens per litter. So it makes sense if the cat was pregnant before, but where did her kittens go? And at day time I gotta let her go because my house-mate is extremely allergy to cats. So I picked her up at kick her out, and obviously she got mad at me. Fast forward a little to the next day, I came back home at 8pm after work. She was meow meow and waiting outside of the door. She really really wanted to go in. So due to my shit load of stress and lack of sleep, I made a wrong decision. I picked her up and meant to bring her into my small room. She wouldn't go up to the stairs she was scared, then immediately went to the coach that she lied on the night before. Suddenly, I figured that I can't have her in my room even if I am a huge animal lover and all kind of sympathy for her, so I got her outside of the house again, then I went to sleep. Later I woke up at 2am getting ready to go to the library to study, I hear her meow meow voice outside of my window.
The point of my story is that, it's getting freezing cold outside (something like -7 to -30 during winter in Toronto) and I want to adopt the cat.
However, I can't because I would have to take her to a vet and god knows how much it is going to cost me to get all the tests and shots for the cat. I invested all my saving into my turntables 2 months ago. I don't have that income to have her. And that's one of the selfishness of a human being.
At the begining of this entry I mentioned that "I thought I survived from his death" because after his death I made myself think and think about why caused this to happen? how it happened? what caused this to happen? And my conclusions are all because I was being selfish for every aspects of raising this dog, and my mom was being selfish in part of his life (major selfish), and so was my brother. My whole god damn family is being selfish. The truck was being selfish. The health care is being selfish for animals. Human beings are being selfish the whole time, and it's because we are the smartest and most capable animals on this planet. So I've concluded a goal for my life, I found myself from his death, and that's why I'm in school to get the education that is needed for me to be able to earn a lot of money so I can, one day, use all those money to help other animals around the world. This is the purpose of my life: Use me to help this earth be a better place
But this cat, I can't even help this cat. I don't even have the ability to help a cat right now. It makes me so upset. I cry. It makes me feel like a failer. And I thought I survived from Leo's death, I thought that didn't kill me but it made me stronger. Apparently not, because I've been having dreams about leo for 1.5 years now, sometimes his image at the car accident still shows up. It doesn't make me stronger, it makes me weaker, because it kills me.
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