I know that I've been "done" (with school) for a while now but I just DRANK....
So whenever I'm drunk or tipsy (is that even how u spell it?), I think more randomly, more creatively, or more weird. I was at a bar and drinking myself because I decided it to do that on my own... the sports channel was on and that's also why I went to drink by myself. I watched basketball, football, and soccer. And I just... dislike my life so much more. I mean, I know that I have to make peace with the certain ability and limited power that my body is given, but I WANT TO PLAY BASKETBALL OR SOCCER OR EVEN FOOTBALL for my life. I found myself lack of talent and heart in school but I had my heart 99% on basketball and soccer. The other 1% is that I don't believe in myself because I'm this tiny little asian girl. I look at those players and I see their passion. I HAVE the kind of passion for basketball, but it just seems like this life-time and society and parents don't allow me to pursued in this field.
Ylber and one of my aunt (and i think even my dad) said to me that if I don't have my heart at school then just drop out or even take (a) year(s) of breaks...
All I want to do for my live is to play sports, professionally. I JUST want to do that. So badly...
I'm back in vancouver, tryna clear my mind and put my shit back together. I will be ready with a better attitude for next semester. I will do better. As soon as my body realized that I was done exams, the following day, I got sick. I wasn't sick for the whole semester, or since this April. I was really proud of myself. Anyways, I'm a little better now. Not as upset as I was in toronto during the exams and after the exams. Vancouver is working. And I just did a 2,000 words essay on calculus for an extra-credit assignment for MAT157, I was in the library for 7 hours, no getting up and no internet. Again, proud. So to reward myself, I'M GOING SNOWBOARDING TMR! STROKEd!!
p.s. I didn't get on to my flight on wednesday because the flight was overbooked by 10% and I was one of that 10%. So I waited, stand by, till 8:10pm and luckily I was the last person to get on to the flight. For the time I waited, Air Canada gave me ten bucks for dinner at the airport, which I got myself a yummy cheese cake, and 200 bucks for the future flight. It's awesome.
Here is a song that I discovered today, one of the greatest collaborations
Lil wayne feat Eminem - Drop the World
(Lil Wayne) I got ice in my veins,
blood in my eyes Hate in my heart,
love in my mind I seen nights full of pain,
days of the same You keep the sunshine,
save me the rain I search but never find,
hurt but never cry I work and forever try,
but Im cursed so nevermind And its worse,
but better times
seem further and beyond The top gets higher, the more that I climb The spot gets smaller, and I get bigger Tryna get into where I fit in,
no room for a nigga But soon for a nigga it be on, mufucka Cause all the bullshit, it made me strong, mufucka
So I pick the world up and Ima drop it on your fuckin head Bitch, Ima pick the world up and Ima drop it on your fuckin head And I could die now, Rebirth motherfucker Hop up in my spaceship and leave Earth, motherfucker Im gone Motherfucker, Im gone
I know what they dont wanna tell you Just hope youre heaven-sent, and youre hell-proof I-I walk up in the world and cut the lights off And confidence is the stain they cant wipe off Huh, my word is my pride But wisdom is bleak, and thats a word from the wise Serve to survive, murdered and bribed And when it got too heavy I put my burdens aside
So I could pick the world up and Ima drop it on your fuckin head Bitch, Ima pick the world up and Ima drop it on your fuckin head And I could die now, Rebirth motherfucker Hop up in my spaceship and leave Earth, motherfucker Im gone Motherfucker, Im gone (Im gone)
(eminem)
it hurts but never show its pain youll never know if only you can see just how lonely and how cold and frostbit i’ve become my back’s against the wall when push come to shove i just stand up and scream f*ck em all man it feels like these walls are closing in, this roof is caving in, oop its time to raise it then your days are numbered like pages in my book of rhymes got em cookem boy this crooked mind of mine got em all shook and scared to look in my eyes, I stole that f*ckin clock, i took the time and i came up from behind and pretty much snuck up and butt f-cked this game up better be careful when you bring my name up f*ck this fame that aint what i came to claim, but the game aint gonna be the same on the day that i leave it I swear one way or another i’ma make these f-ckin haters believe it, I swear to God wont spear the rod, i’m a man of my word so your f*ckin heads better nod im gonna f*ck around in this bitch and roast everybody sleep on me that pillow is where your head will lie, permanently bi*ch it’s beddy-bye, this world is my easter egg, yeah, prepare to die’ my head is swoll my confidence is up this stage is my pedastal im unstoppable the incredible hulk your trapped in my medicine ball I can run circles around you so fast your f*ckin head will spin dog, I’ll split your cabbage and your lettuce and olives, I’ll f-ckin
Do you know that december has the highest suicide rate in a year?
Yup, because not every one likes christmas, not everyone is happy that it's christmas, not everyone did well in school, and certainly not everyone has enough money and has a good year. Sure, not everyone has a good mother, and face it, it's end of the year.
I absolutely HATE winter. I only like about winter is that I get to snowboarding.
I'm not emo, I promise you that, it's just I hate about the holiday spirit. It's not in my life, and when it is, it's fake.
So, fuck the christmas songs.
Correction: I used to enjoy winter and the snow when Leo was around. We used to play in the snow together, good times.
I took the wrong courses, which I ended up dropping them, which leaded to lack of studying on other courses, which ended up failing one, which ended $2,000 gone and no returns. But I learned that I'll never put myself into similar situation anymore and that I'll learn my limited ability to do what and what not to do, because 5 course load is a shit load, with 2 300-series language courses.
So next semester, I'll start going to library way before exams starts, I'll keep up to all my works everyday, I'll get all the past tests and read them over way before, and I'll not get lazy. So next semester I'll not disappoint myself and my mother's money, since mostly it seems like time and money are all she cares about.
p.s. if other cats, pigeons, or squirrels can survive the winters, then my cat can do. at least I hope she can.
As all y'all know my dog Leo died in a car accident on July 14th, 2008 at 9pm. And I thought I survived from his death.
Hear my story, I met this homeless cat 2 weeks ago. I started to feed him a little by a little from some of my bread to a can of cat food everyday because she's always there in front of my yard. And 2 days ago I brought her in to the house during late night, I kept an eye on her (in case she doesn't pee or poo in the house) while I studied. She lied beside me the whole night on the sofa. I briefly checked her skin and body, I figured she was probably pregnant before. The statistic of homeless female cat can have average of 3 litters per year, and with average of 4 kittens per litter. So it makes sense if the cat was pregnant before, but where did her kittens go? And at day time I gotta let her go because my house-mate is extremely allergy to cats. So I picked her up at kick her out, and obviously she got mad at me. Fast forward a little to the next day, I came back home at 8pm after work. She was meow meow and waiting outside of the door. She really really wanted to go in. So due to my shit load of stress and lack of sleep, I made a wrong decision. I picked her up and meant to bring her into my small room. She wouldn't go up to the stairs she was scared, then immediately went to the coach that she lied on the night before. Suddenly, I figured that I can't have her in my room even if I am a huge animal lover and all kind of sympathy for her, so I got her outside of the house again, then I went to sleep. Later I woke up at 2am getting ready to go to the library to study, I hear her meow meow voice outside of my window.
The point of my story is that, it's getting freezing cold outside (something like -7 to -30 during winter in Toronto) and I want to adopt the cat.
However, I can't because I would have to take her to a vet and god knows how much it is going to cost me to get all the tests and shots for the cat. I invested all my saving into my turntables 2 months ago. I don't have that income to have her. And that's one of the selfishness of a human being.
At the begining of this entry I mentioned that "I thought I survived from his death" because after his death I made myself think and think about why caused this to happen? how it happened? what caused this to happen? And my conclusions are all because I was being selfish for every aspects of raising this dog, and my mom was being selfish in part of his life (major selfish), and so was my brother. My whole god damn family is being selfish. The truck was being selfish. The health care is being selfish for animals. Human beings are being selfish the whole time, and it's because we are the smartest and most capable animals on this planet. So I've concluded a goal for my life, I found myself from his death, and that's why I'm in school to get the education that is needed for me to be able to earn a lot of money so I can, one day, use all those money to help other animals around the world. This is the purpose of my life: Use me to help this earth be a better place
But this cat, I can't even help this cat. I don't even have the ability to help a cat right now. It makes me so upset. I cry. It makes me feel like a failer. And I thought I survived from Leo's death, I thought that didn't kill me but it made me stronger. Apparently not, because I've been having dreams about leo for 1.5 years now, sometimes his image at the car accident still shows up. It doesn't make me stronger, it makes me weaker, because it kills me.
yeah, that's right! I can DO THIS! I can learn 5 chapters about Linear Algebra in 2 days (or 1 day)! I won't be a pussy, hide myself under a desk and cry. I won't. I can fucking do this! Look at that positive attitude towards academic! That's only because I HAVE TO do this... I have no choice. =____='
This final exam worth 80% of my entire course.. due to missing the midterm. (Sign). I just finished learning 2 chapters in 3 hours. After thursday at 5pm, I'll be free, but dare I think about that. Can't think about that. It scares me. Thursday is so important and intense.
But now Mr. Sleepy is all over my eyes and body... fuck.
I'm sure you've seen this woman. Don't you think she's just SO AWESOME? Can I have her new album? Actually, I'm a little greedy, I want ALL her albums. PLEASE!
or
him!
just put them, or either one, under my xmas tree in vancouver. Then I'll see them the next morning for sure.
